guilt to the 9th power.

Guilt is for the stinkin’ birds.

I love being a mom. I really do. But let me tell you one thing that flat out stinks about being a mom. Guilt. G-U-I-L-T. Big honkin’ GUILT.

It seems the moment I found out I was pregnant with PB, guilt just packed up a U-Haul and decided to move in with me for the rest….of…..my….life.

When I was pregnant, I felt guilty for eating dessert. I was afraid my son would come out looking like a chocolate chip cookie. I should’ve been eating sprouts and seaweed and tofu. Right? Guilt.

When I was pregnant, I felt guilty for buying off-brand diapers and second hand toys and baby accessories. PB was supposed to have the top-of-the-line-best-of-everything. He should be wearing Ralph Lauren diapers, not the Target brand, right? GaaaahhhhILLLLT.

Pregnancy guilt was just the tip of the iceburg.

Once I had PB, I felt guilty all the time. Guilty for complaining when I was tired-that meant I wasn’t supermom. Guilty for taking him to ballgames when he was little-that meant I was exposing him to germs. Guilty for literally everything that I did or didn’t do.

One day, I had a breakdown. I was so wrapped up in feeling inadequate and guilty as a mom that it was consuming me. I think part of my problem was that I looked at other moms and it seemed like they really had it all together. Guilt didn’t live at their house; at least they didn’t act like it did. Their babies probably wore Ralph Lauren diapers (do they even have those!?) and they probably functioned wonderfully on .00075 hours of sleep a night. They were much better moms that I was.

At that moment, I prayed. I cried. And I thought about what I was doing. I was trying so hard to be the ‘perfect’ mom. I was taking good qualities from great moms that I knew, rolling them all together to make a ‘supermom’, and was trying to be that imaginary ‘supermom’. I was measuring my worth as a mom based on an imaginary ‘supermom’ I had made up in my crazy mind. And I was feeling guilty for not living up to these ridiculous standards. What the heck!?

I was frustrated with myself because I felt like I was looking to everyone else for guidance on how to be a parent, when I should have been looking to the Greatest Parent, my Father in Heaven. Now, so far I haven’t found any scripture that says what you should do if you have a teething baby. But, I have found peace in His word. And I’ve found comfort and strength. And faith. Faith that God will lead me in this new life as a mom. Faith that He will lead me in this new life as a wife. Faith that He will give me all that I need to raise my family as He wants.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still struggle with guilt. I feel guilty taking PB to daycare; I should stay at home with him. I should work, though, because then I can provide PB with a better life. But then I should probably stay home with him because I want to spend that precious time with him. But then I should probably take him to daycare because I want him to learn to socialize and have friends. But then people would know that I don’t use Ralph Lauren diapers. Eeek! But then…..

Seriously, this is a day in the life of my mind.

When I feel that guilt creeping in, I’m trying to get in the habit of just stopping right where I’m at and praying. I know that God will give me all that I need. 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness”. Whoop, whoop. Man, that’s good stuff right there!

Being a mom is totally not for wussies. I’ve said before that parenting isn’t for wussies, but motherhood is soooo not for anyone who even slightly resembles a wuss. Seriously.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who battles guilt, whether in parenting or marriage or just life??!?! And please tell me I’m not the only one who doesn’t use designer diapers?!?!?

P.S. You can eat an obscene amount of chocolate chip cookies during pregnancy and your child will not resemble a chocolate chip cookie at birth. I know this from experience.

See!!?!? No cookie here!
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8 thoughts on “guilt to the 9th power.

  1. I am on your fb and I don't believe we know eachother but I found your blog a very nice distraction from work :). I am a new mom as well. I have a 5 month old boy. I am at the opposite end of your situation. I too have guilt but mostly because I decided to quit my full-time job and take a small (3 hour a day) part-time job to stay home with my baby for the most part. I can tell a huge difference in our income (my husband works full-time). I LOVE being able to spend so much time with my boy but I feel guilty that we are actually stressed about money sometimes. My decision to quit my job was an agreement between myself and my husband but I still feel soooo guilty! I put my boy in pampers which I know aren't designer but he pees and poops out of about every other diaper! Don't feel guilty or bad about not being supermom. Being a mom is sooo difficult and challenging but that sweet baby makes everything worth it. I have changed in ways I can't believe once my little boy arrived. I am so far from knowing how to be supermom and I am still learning new things practically every day. From the looks and sound of it, you are doing an incredibly job as a wife and mom!

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  2. Can't comment on the mom guilt but I can definitely say that I sometimes have so much guilt when it comes to being the kind of wife that God wants me to be. I never seem to have enough patience, I yell when it's probably not necessary and sometimes I really wish I was just gushing with love for my husband all the time. We are 1 month away from our 1st wedding anniversary so technically we are still newlyweds.

    Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. He is my absolute best friend in the world. I just feel guilty sometimes for not loving him enough.

    PB definitely isn't a cookie baby but I could eat him up! He's so cute!

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  3. Anonymous: I can totally see your side of things too. I know that if I were at home with my son, then I would feel guilty that my husband went to work every day, and I would feel like I was letting my family down financially. It seems like a guilty situation any way you look at it! Thanks so much for stopping by 🙂

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  4. Mallory: I can soooo relate to guilt in marriage as well! I am just like you, with a lack of patience. I used to think that in order to be happily married you had to be mushy gushy all of the time, but I just don't think that's possible. We fight, but we love each other too. I think that's okay! Happy {early} anniversary! I'm not far ahead of you, we just celebrated our 2 year in May. Thanks so much for stopping by 🙂

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  5. You are not alone! What makes it worse is the fact that moms feel the need to project a perfect image, which makes other moms around them feel insecure. I blamed myself when Eli wasn't sleeping through the night at three months, when he didn't smile, roll, sit, teeth “on time,” and when he has a rough day in the church nursery. I do my best to talk about all that I struggle with, but it's a fine line between being relatable and making sure people know that I am 100% happy being a mom and so, so thankful to God for my little boy!

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  6. This is going to sound so silly, but we got a puppy at the beginning of June, and ever since I've had puppy guilt! Are we feeding him the best kind of food? Is he happy? When we leave I feel guilty for putting him in his crate. When I want to take a nap I feel guilty for not playing with him…it goes on and on. So I can only imagine what kind of guilt I will battle when I actually have a real baby! I'll have to do just what you are doing…find strength in the Word, share my feelings with others, and squash those feelings of guilt as best I can. Someone once told me that guilt is not from the Lord (I was still feeling guilty over a sin I'd already confessed and been forgiven for…) it's a tool that satan uses to immobilize us. So don't let that ol devil get ya down!

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  7. Oh my gosh, did I just see my thoughts on your blog? I suffer from extreme mom guilt. I even feel guilty for feeling guilty!! It's craziness, so no, you are not alone. And sadly, you're not alone in the cookie-eating department either. 🙂

    Dying to know-did you end up making some stuffed peppers?

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