where i am.

This time last week, I was driving home in tears. We had just got over a long weekend with a sick boy and a sick husband. I had a meeting after school, and Ben called to tell me about PB’s doctor visit, which included a stomach virus, walking pneumonia, a double ear infection, and a referral to an allergist. I could barely get out of the school before I broke down in tears. I cried the whole way home. I pulled over at one point and really just got hysterical.

Now before you think I’m a drama queen, this was one of those cries that had been brewing for about 6 weeks. I had been holding alot of things in, and PB’s sickness was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was worried. Scared. I felt helpless. I was stressed and overwhelmed.


I usually don’t let much get to me. And it takes alot for me to get stressed and overwhelmed. But I was there, and it stunk.

Let me tell you where I’m coming from.

I’m frustrated with myself. Mad at myself, really.

Student teaching is much harder than I thought it would be. Not the teaching/planning part, but the whole ‘I quit my good, stable job to go be an unpaid intern with no promise of a job’ part. I take my son to daycare while I go intern for free, and he picks up germs and stays sick for a month. And then my gracious family takes time off from their jobs to stay with my son because I can’t miss too many days, or I won’t get my hours in. And then I feel like a big terd.

Back when Ben and I were talking about me going back to school and getting my teaching licensure, I didn’t think twice about the fact that I would eventually have to quit my job to student teach. I was so ready to do it that I didn’t care. I would cross that bridge when I got there. And then back in November, when I finally quit my job, I was still fine with it, and excited about the new opportunities ahead of me. I told myself that I was stepping out on faith.

And don’t you know, when things started getting a little tough, I fell. I lost sight of my faith. I started letting worry consume me. I started wondering if I’d made the right decision. I started missing my paycheck and second guessing my sanity for leaving my old job. I love teaching and I know that’s where my heart is. But I’m letting the devil get the best of me right now.

So anyway, back to my drive home last Monday. I was a screaming, crying mess. Praying for God to forgive me for losing sight of Him and His promises for me. Praying for God to have mercy on my son and heal his little body. Praying for guidance and praying for His wisdom and understanding. It felt good to just cry and pray and pray and cry and just let it all out. I got home and talked to Ben and he reassured me. He wiped my tears and I felt better about everything.

And then I puked for 2 days. And I spent 3 days on the commode. And then I got walking pneumonia, too. And then I missed 3 days of school because I was sick. And then PB was sick off and on all week. I felt like the walls were closing in on me.

I felt really sorry for myself. I felt like I was responsible for everything that was happening to us. I went to bed Friday night second-guessing everything that I was doing. And then Saturday morning came, the sun was shining, and it was a new day. I can choose to focus on the things that I can’t change, or I can make the best of our situation right now. I would prefer the latter.

There is no purpose whatsoever to this post, other than for me to remind myself that God is there, I am blessed, and this too, shall pass!

Amen.

By the way, thanks for your prayers and kind words! We are feeling MUCH better now. I’m happy to report I’ve gained back all 6.5 pounds that I lost last week. Or maybe unhappy to report that?!

Have a blessed Monday 🙂

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6 thoughts on “where i am.

  1. You poor thing. We all have those types of breakdowns every so often…it is part of life. I am glad that everyone is feeling better and you're gaining your 'sight' back.

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  2. Wow! You have been having a rough time lately! And I'm so sorry for that! Glad you're feeling better though! Good for you for sticking to it and following your calling though. Student teaching ripped me apart, chewed me up and spat me out. At the end of it I was questioning myself and my decision (mainly because that is what all of the teachers around me were doing). I havent gone back to teaching either, part of me wants to, but another part likes coming home and having time to watch tv with my husband and cook dinner and clean or do crafts. Whether or not I should go back to teaching has been on my mind and heart for weeks, but I've gotten so comfortable.

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  3. Britt – you're always in my thoughts!! I've been praying for a sense of PEACE about his HUGE decision! Sounds like you're getting there! This is merely a season in your life. It will pass and you'll move to a new season. Amidst the puking and hard days, enjoy this season.

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  4. Oh honey… Praying for you lady. God is absolutely sovereign and He definitely has His purposes for everything in our lives. Even the puke. You are definitely in my prayers though because I know what it's like to struggle with having enough faith and trying to squash the doubts! Also, I literally laughed out loud at your comment… I'm so excited that you're excited for us and baby! I can hardly wait to have these puking moments and then remember this post and be encouraged! 🙂

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  5. I know it probably doesn't seem like it, but this is such a good post Britt. I love your blog because it's so real. You're honest, but also know how to “think positive.” This is such a good reminder for all of us–especially those of us who are also consumed with worry, sick kids, and have just quit their jobs to follow a new path. Thank you!! And this is in relation to your other post, but I am SO jealous you wash your hair every 3 days. I could never get away with that. 😦

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