an ungraceful mom.

I came across an article the other day (and don’t you know I can’t remember where in the world it was) that talked about having kids. I mean reallllly having kids. It was so brutally honest. Not much fluff or political correctness, just real, true life with kids.

The girl that wrote it really needs a high-five. She talked about the need for moms to be totally honest about life with kids. Not to hide behind a smile and pretend that everything is fine, or that you’ve got it together. Just to be honest. If more people were real about motherhood, we’d all probably feel a little more normal (or at least I would).

So.

I don’t have it all together. In fact, I’m not quite sure I’ve had ‘it’ together since PB was born.

And some days, I want to lock myself in the bathroom and sit in silence.

And some days, like when he throws a fit in Target, I get so frustrated that I want to cry and throw a bigger fit.

And sometimes, I want to sit on the couch and watch 30 uninterrupted minutes of a TV show, while eating a bowl of ice cream without sharing it. Yea. I said that.

And sometimes, I want to go to a restaurant without having to scarf down my food in 2.1 seconds.

Am I alone?

Motherhood is not for wussies. It is such a strange bird.



Why, yes, that IS my son, sans diaper, in his Elmo pajamas, after he escaped off the porch as we were trying to dress him for church.

No one can make me want to scream at the top of my lungs like my son. And no one in this world can make me more happy than my son. 

Sometimes, I feel so unnatural with motherhood. I love my son more than anything in this world. He really is the center of my life. But a lot of times, I feel like a failure. I feel uncoordinated, and ungraceful. Even with PB at 1 1/2 years old, there are still some days when I feel like I can barely hold my head above water. And I’ve only got one kid!

We went to a new church when we visited Ben’s mom last week. PB lasted about 10 minutes in the service before he was laying in the floor, whining, and trying to crawl under the seats. Literally two seats down from us sat a kid who looked close to PB’s age, and he didn’t move the entire time we were there. He sat in his own seat, and watched the preacher on the stage. Ugh.

I couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with me. I started to get hot. My face was getting red. Beads of sweat started popping up. I felt like everyone in the crowded church was staring at me, wondering what kind of hellion I was raising.

I wasn’t holding it together. Any mother in the room could clearly see my frustration. I was literally pouring the sweat, trying to climb under the seats to grab my kid. I managed to grab his foot, and I literally dragged him out from beneath the seat, kicking and screaming.

Nobody told me about this. Sure, people said parenting is a hard job, but even when they said that, they said it with a smile on their face. And what’s worse, is that I can’t mask it. I can’t smile or gracefully pull  my child from the floor of the church. I’m the mom whose dress is tucked in her underwear, mascara is running down her face, and bangs are glued to her forehead, while she’s dragging her kicking, screaming son by one leg out from under the church pew.

But because I’m ungraceful, or unnatural, doesn’t mean I love my son any less than the mannequin kid’s mom. The truth is, I love deeper than I ever have before. I would not hesitate one second to do or give anything for my boy. He is what my world revolves around now. Being his mom is the best thing I have ever and will ever do.

I just won’t look that graceful doing it. I might cry when I’m frustrated because he won’t nap. And I’ll still want to scream when he throws a tantrum. And I won’t feel guilty for wanting 10 minutes of sanity to eat my own dern bowl of ice cream.

He’ll make me want to pull my hair out, and as he gets older, I’ll make him hate me a few times.

I’ll never look graceful, and I’ll never be able to hide my failures behind a smile.

But with God’s grace, we’ll be just fine.

Hellion and all.

Am I in this boat alone? Any other ‘ungraceful’ moms out there? Do you secretly want to watch just one uninterrupted rerun of ‘Friends’ while NOT sharing your bowl of ice cream?

Have a blessed Tuesday 🙂

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “an ungraceful mom.

  1. Well I'm not there yet but I'm sure I'll be right there with you! I've seen our pastor's 2 year old require a few disciplinary sessions when the screaming fit started in church so that gave me hope. I'd love to think that I'll have a little mannequin kid but if this baby girl is anything like me (or my husband) when I was that age, I'll probably be the one pouring sweat and pulling my kid by one leg out from under the pew! Maybe that other mom sedates her kid before church… hahaha… Love the honesty though! 🙂

    Like

  2. Brit, you are definitely not alone! I don't have any hellions of my own yet, but I know sometimes teaching I just want to put my head down on my desk and cry. And PB is not the only one who has pulled a stunt like that. I was notorious for being bad in church. Once mom took me out and as she was walking out the pastor said, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” and just kept on going with his message. And on another occasion I crawled under the pews (and we are good back row Baptists so I had a lot of room to roam) and they said all you would see was little ladies leaning down trying to catch me. Finally the preacher caught me at the front!

    Like

  3. oh hell no you're not alone. When Avery is being particularly demon-like, I just think “I'm done. I'm over it.”, but then she smiles at me and I think why would I ever trade this in?

    But then again, we all need our sanity, even if it just having breakfast alone without them…….

    Like

  4. I always worry about my tone…there is no sweet mommy voice in me but instead, sometimes I hear myself and cringe at the drill-seargent voice echoing in my ears. One thing that has finally became very clear to me is that we have much less control than we anticipated when we bagan this adventure. Children are actually born with their individuality and we can't change it, we have our hands full just trying to contain it:) I really thought parents had much more influence in their childrens behavior, but just when you think you got it, they prove you wrong. I LOVE MOTHERHOOD…God knew the plans he had for us!!

    Like

  5. My sweet husband found this and sent it to me. And thank you because as an upcoming first time mom (baby girl is due to arrive in October), it's nice to hear that my fears are real, instead of people smiling and telling me everything is just fine, but more importantly that they are normal!!

    Like

  6. Literally I am in tears reading this my girls have been awful lately Evie took her pantries and shorts off at the park today squatted and peed in the grass kn front of God and everyone ..we were with my friend who I haven't seen kn years and is pregnant with her first. I felt so embarrassed I felt like I would change her mind about having babies I was sweating chasing a naked lee covered two year old …she was just laughing. This makes me feel indescribably better. The love we have for our babies is its own kind of perfection.

    Like

  7. OH honey, you are SO not alone!!!! I currently have two kids in school full time and my baby will be home with me one more year. On the really hard days, I fantasize that in about a year and 3 months I'll have all 3 in school full time and will have 4+ hours to myself monday through friday.

    Like

  8. I love this. I had a conversation with a mom today about what it felt like to add another one to the mix of a family. She was so honest about how she felt like a mess and couldn't get it all together. As sad as I felt for her, I told her that I appreciated her honesty because I will be there someday, and I know I will have those same feelings. It is just nice to know that other moms are feeling the same thing, even though you know they are wonderful mothers 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s